I was sitting in the back of a nicely air conditioned bus in Bangkok when feelings of missing you kicked me in the chest, like memories of every painful day I can never forget. We hadn’t spoken in a while and though I know it’s probably for the best, I couldn’t help but want to. If only just to catch up, to see how y’all are doing and to make sure that you are taking good care of yourself. I knew I wasn’t. I knew that kind of thing was something you always stayed on me about. I wanted to cry, right up until I remembered the reason we weren’t speaking in the first place.
I needed to grow up. I needed space. Distance from all the chaos and noise; distance from you. At the time I was so adamant about needing it, and while it was, and still remains true, I never considered how much it would hurt when the quiet finally settled in. Finally creating peace throughout the landscape of my mind, my heart wasn’t expecting to feel broken. I still sat there though. Nearly teary eyed and hot in spite of the full blasting AC I still sat there, thinking of you, with every mistake I’ve ever made now coursing through my mind’s eye, dumbfounded by my own blindness.
Young, growing, grieving, in those precious moments riding in that bus I realized that though we both hurt each other, I may have never taken responsibility for the hurt I caused to you. Nothing breaks like a heart they say and if that is true, then I am truly sorry for breaking yours. The more I grow, the more I learn, and so far on this journey of mine I have learned the importance of clear and open communication. Had I just been honest with you and more importantly myself, from the beginning, none of this would have ever happened. Yet here we are, living in the hindsight of 2020.
It is never easy to own up to our own faults, or to admit when we were wrong and apologize for not saying so sooner. We are all works of art forever in progress, and I am learning to forgive myself if my process often comes at a cost that seems far too great. I hope we will soon break the silence that lays so heavy between us. I miss you. No longer using my pride as a reason not to admit that. I miss you. I miss my friend, and knowing that we have each other’s backs, even when we’re ghosts.
For now I will just lay my emotions bare on this page, hoping that one day you stubble into these words carved out with you in mind. If you do happen to read this I give you the same lesson I have recently learned to give to myself, be gentle to yourself. Remember to provide the space and room that you need to grow. Don’t beat yourself up for not knowing the answer sooner. Life is a marathon, not a sprint, so remember patience as you learn to forgive and mend broken relationships. May the rest of this year bring you all the loving closure that you need, and the peace we need to start things anew.
“Growth must be chosen again and again; fear must be overcome again and again.”-Abraham Maslow